


9.02 Avalon, Part 2

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-19
Updated: 2006-03-19
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of Avalon, Part 2, with audience participation.





	9.02 Avalon, Part 2

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Tam and Christi for beta reading, and a special thanks to members of my Live Journal friends list for their feedback and support: Eos, Trikakeep, Lt_Kitty, Tallisen, and Minxy.  
 **Disclaimer:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of people not me. If they were mine, there'd be a lot of man kissing at the very least. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only.  


* * *

TEASER

INT. DANIEL AND VALA'S CHAMBER

CEILING: I'm coming *down*, man! I squish you good!

[VALA TELLS DANIEL HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT THE PUZZLE, SINCE HE'S THE EXPERT ON ALL THINGS ANCIENT.]

DANIEL FANS: [preen] That's our boy!

DANIEL: I'm thinking!

VALA: Sorry, but could you possibly think a little bit faster!

CEILING: I gonna crush all you bitches!

[DANIEL FIGURES OUT THEY DID THE PUZZLE WRONG THE FIRST TIME AND THIS TIME OPENS THE GOLD POT, WHICH NOW HAS A GOLD COIN INSIDE. THE CEILING QUICKLY RISES BACK UP TO ITS' NORMAL HEIGHT AND THE DOOR OPENS.]

CEILING: Dammit.

VALA: Wow. Good thing you know your ancient proverbs, otherwise we'd be... (suddenly realizing) Mitchell.

DANIEL: Teal'c.

DANIEL/TEAL'C FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: Let the record note...

CEILING: I may not have gotten you, but my partner will crush your friends like a bug! Bwahaha, mine is an evil laugh.

[DANIEL RUSHES OUT THE EXIT, BUT VALA STAYS BEHIND A MOMENT, STARING AT THE GOLD COIN IN THE POT AND BITING HER LIP.]

INT. TEAL'C AND MITCHELL'S CHAMBER

[MITCHELL'S TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE PUZZLE SYMBOLS, WHILE TEAL'C VALIANTLY TRIES TO PUSH THE CEILING UP.]

CEILING #2: Dude, you're good, but you're not *that* good.

OUTSIDE TEAL'C AND MITCHELL'S CHAMBER

[DANIEL YELLS FOR TEAL'C THROUGH A SMALL SPACE UNDER THE SLAB SEALING THE DOOR. TEAL'C ANSWERS BACK, AND MITCHELL YELLS THAT THEY'VE GOT A PROBLEM.]

AUDIENCE: No, really?!

DANIEL: Uh, what's the puzzle?

MITCHELL: There's eight stones with symbols on them and some Ancient writing. I think-

[DANIEL TELLS HIM TO DESCRIBE THE WRITING, AND MITCHELL GIVES DESCRIPTIONS OF THE SYMBOLS, AND DANIEL TRANSLATES THE WORD "REFLECT."]

LINGUISTICS FANS: Damn, he's good.

DANIEL FANS: Damn right.

[DANIEL'S TALKING ABOUT REFLECTING ON THE EIGHTFOLD PATH, WHICH BUDDHISM TEACHES IS THE WAY TO ENLIGHTENMENT.]

MITCHELL: Yeah, that tells me exactly NOTHING!

DANIEL: I'm sorry. I can't help if I can't see the symbols of the stones you're supposed to put in order.

[MITCHELL'S MUTTERING ABOUT REFLECTING ON THE EIGHTFOLD PATH AS HIS THUMB PARTIALLY COVERS A SYMBOL, AND THE REMAINDER LOOKS LIKE THE NUMBER FOUR. HE REALIZES WHAT THE SYMBOLS ARE, AND REARRANGES THE TILES AGAIN. THE RUMBLING OF THE CEILING SUDDENLY STOPS.]

DANIEL: Teal'c!

VALA: Look, I didn't hear any screaming or squishing sounds, so-

VALA FANS: That's downright motherly concern from her, isn't it?

[THE STONE SLAB RISES, REVEALING THAT TEAL'C AND MITCHELL ARE FINE.]

MITCHELL: The symbols were actually the numbers 1 through 8 and their mirror image.

HISTORY GEEKS: Um, "Arabic" numbers were developed in India around 400 BC, and weren't used in England until around the late 1400s AD. The historical Arthur probably lived around the 400s to 500s AD. So was Merlin hanging out in India either learning the Arabic system or creating it, while also traveling to England in his spare time? 

WRITERS: Um, sure.

HISTORY GEEKS: And we hate to break it to you, but the Arabic numbers didn't look like the modern version until many centuries after their introduction. Like less than 500 years ago.

WRITERS: We really hate you.

HISTORY GEEKS: Hey, if we can Google, so can you.

INT. MAIN CHAMBER

[MITCHELL APPROACHES THE STONE IN THE SWORD, SAYING THEY'VE PASSED THE TEST, SO THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE IT WORK.]

FANS STILL NOT USED TO MITCHELL: Who says *you* should be the one to attempt to pull the sword out, sunshine?

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [points to the writers]

FANS STILL NOT USED TO MITCHELL: Oh, yeah, we forgot.

[MITCHELL PULLS THE SWORD OUT, LOOKING PLEASED, BUT AN ARMOR CLAD KNIGHT WITH A SWORD APPEARS.]

MITCHELL: (muttering) Should've known it wouldn't be that easy.

AUDIENCE: So does that mean you've been watching the show or not?

HISTORY GEEKS: Um, that type of armor didn't appear until-

WRITERS: [fingers in ears] We can't hear you. We don't WANT to hear you.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

AUDIENCE: Whoa, wait. We blinked and like, totally missed the credits again.

[THE KNIGHT ATTACKS MITCHELL.]

MITCHELL: Weird.

AUDIENCE: Master of the understatement is Mitchell.

DANIEL: You, uh, you done this before?

MITCHELL: Uh, fight a knight in armor? No, can't say that I have.

DANIEL: Well, you're doing good.

MITCHELL: Heh. Took a little fencing in college.

[THEY CONTINUE FIGHTING UNTIL MITCHELL ADMITS HE NEEDS HELP AND TEAL'C GETS A CLEAR SHOT AND FIRES, BUT THE BULLETS PASS THROUGH THE KNIGHT.]

TEAL'C: It appears to be a hologram.

AUDIENCE: And Teal'c continues to be a master of the bloody obvious.

[THE KNIGHT GETS IN A GOOD WHACK AT MITCHELL, WHO GROANS IN PAIN EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO SIGN OF AN ACTUAL CUT.]

VALA: (to Daniel) I don't know. I don't think he's actually that good.

MITCHELL: Okay, so I flunked fencing.

AUDIENCE: *facepalm*

[MITCHELL IS HIT AGAIN, AND TEAL'C TELLS MITCHELL TO GIVE HIM THE SWORD, BUT WHEN MITCHELL TOSSES IT TO HIM, IT PASSES THROUGH TEAL'C AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR.]

VALA: Okay, that thing is going to kill him.

DANIEL: Everybody get to the rings!

MONTY PYTHON FANS: It's just a flesh wound!

FLASHBACK

HIGHLANDER FANS: Sword fights *and* flashbacks? Start whacking off people's heads and there'll be a lawsuit.

[MITCHELL REMEMBERS HIS CRASH IN ANTARCTICA AND BEING IN REHAB, FIGHTING TO BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN.]

END FLASHBACK

[MITCHELL REFUSES TEAL'C'S HELP TO LEAVE THE CHAMBER AND FIGHTS BACK AGAIN, FINALLY DRIVING HIS SWORD INTO THE KNIGHT'S CHEST.]

VALA: Yeah!

AUDIENCE: What is she, a cheerleader?

WRITERS: We tried, but the costume department was balking over making leather pom-poms on short notice.

COSTUME DEPARTMENT: It wasn't that at all. We expressed concerns over what Sci Fi's censors would think about a woman clad in a leather cheerleader outfit with leather flails in her hands.

SCI FI CENSORS: We think it's a *great* idea!

YOUNG MALES (AND MORE THAN A FEW FEMALES) IN THE AUDIENCE: We so totally agree.

BDSMERS: You learn well, young padawans.

[MITCHELL'S SOLVED THE PUZZLE, PULLED THE SWORD FROM THE STONE AND DEFEATED THE KNIGHT, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS. DANIEL SUGGESTS MAYBE SINCE MITCHELL IS THE ONE WHO DID IT ALL, IT WILL ONLY BE REVEALED TO HIM ALONE, SO DANIEL, TEAL'C AND VALA HEAD TO THE RINGS. DANIEL TELLS MITCHELL TO JOIN THEM IF NOTHING HAPPENS. AS SOON AS THE OTHER THREE ARE GONE, THE GROUND STARTS SHAKING, SO MITCHELL RINGS OUT TOO.]

AUDIENCE: When it rains, it pours, right?

INT. PROMETHEUS RING ROOM

[DANIEL, TEAL'C, AND VALA ARE IN THE ROOM. RINGS ACTIVATE AND MITCHELL APPEARS, HIS HANDS COVERING HIS HEAD AND DUST FALLING AROUND HIM.]

F/X GEEKS: Oooooh, even beamed the dust up. Cool that they did that, or we'd have to nitpick.

MITCHELL: That whole place is collapsing. We must have done something wrong.

[VALA TURNS AWAY FROM THE OTHERS. THEY ALL LOOK TOWARDS HER.]

DANIEL: (to Vala) What'd you take?

DANIEL/VALA FANS: Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do!

VALA: (turning to face them) What?

DANIEL: "Truth of spirit."

VALA: I resent-

DANIEL: "Truth of spirit." What'd you take?

[VALA REACHES INTO THE BODICE OF HER OUTFIT AND PULLS OUT THE COIN FROM THE PUZZLE DANIEL SOLVED.]

AUDIENCE: D'oh!

VALA FANS: Hee!

FAN BOYS: Any more coins we can help fish out?

INT. AVALON CAVES

[MITCHELL TRANSPORTS BACK DOWN AND RETURNS THE COIN TO THE POT. THE EARTHQUAKE STOPS. HE RETURNS TO THE MAIN CHAMBER AGAIN, BUT IT'S STILL EMPTY. HE'S PREPARING TO RING BACK TO THE PROMETHEUS IN DISAPPOINTMENT, BUT SEES THE SWORD LEANING AGAINST THE WALL. HE REPLACES IN THE STONE, AND THE CHAMBER IS THEN FILLED WITH GOLD AND OTHER TREASURES.

MITCHELL: (looking around) Worth it.

LATER...

[PROMETHEUS CREW MEMBERS SORT AND INVENTORY THE VARIOUS RICHES IN THE CHAMBER. VALA, WEARING A SILVER TIARA, LOUNGES ON A PILE OF TREASURE, POURING A TROPHY FULL OF COINS AND JEWELS OVER HER BODY. MITCHELL APPROACHES DANIEL, WHO SITS IN A CORNER BY A LARGE TREASURE CHEST PAGING THROUGH A LARGE BOOK.]

MITCHELL: (observing Vala) We are not going to let her keep that, are we?

DANIEL: (glancing at Vala) No.

MITCHELL: Good.

VALA: [pout]

MITCHELL: Well that figures. Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book. 

DANIEL FANS: You say that like it's a bad thing.

BOOK LOVERS: Yeah!

MITCHELL: So, what's it about?

DANIEL: Actually, it's a story. It's written like fiction.

FANFIC READERS: Ship, slash or gen?

MITCHELL: "Once upon a time..."

DANIEL: Once upon a time, there was a race of people that went on a great journey through space, across the universe. They were called the Altera. After much time...

DANIEL FANS: Oh, yes, Daniel can read us a bedtime story any time he wants.

[VALA IS STILL POUTING AND PULLING COINS OUT OF HER BODICE, WITH MANY FANBOYS IN THE AUDIENCE OFFERING TO HELP. TEAL'C CROUCHES NEARBY, HALF-LISTENING TO THE STORY.]

DANIEL: ...and I think this means thousands of years, they found a great belt of stars.

[DANIEL FALLS SILENT.]

MITCHELL: ...and they lived happily ever after.

[DANIEL CONTINUES TO READ SILENTLY. SOMETHING IN THE BOOK GRABS HIS ATTENTION, AND HE STANDS.]

TEAL'C: Have you found something, Daniel Jackson?

DANIEL: It says that the Alterans named their new home "Avalon," and that they built many Astria Porta.

MITCHELL: Stargates?

DANIEL: Yes.

VALA: The Ancients built the Stargates.

DANIEL: Well, it stands to reason they weren't always called "the Ancients."

AUDIENCE: Only after we pointed it out to the writers. Several times.

MITCHELL: (to Vala) What do you care? You got your treasure.

VALA: Hmm. Let's see what's of more value -- A few gold trinkets that apparently I won't be allowed to keep... or... previously undiscovered secrets about the Gate Builders, the most powerful race to ever inhabit the galaxy.

DANIEL: You realize what this could mean?

MITCHELL: Whoa. We've always presumed that the Ancients were the first evolution of humans in this galaxy. But, but this... this is the first evidence suggesting they came here long ago from somewhere far, far away.

STAR WARS FANS: Hey!

[ONE OF THE CREWMEMBERS HAS UNCOVERED A LARGE, BLACK, DOMED DEVICE WITH A BLUE CRYSTAL ON TOP UNDER SOME OF THE GOLD TRINKETS AND CALLS MITCHELL'S ATTENTION TO IT.]

MITCHELL: (grinning) Heh. One of these things is not like the others.

SESAME STREET FANS: [singing] One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong... [/singing] Um, what? Why's everyone looking at us?

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

SGC CORRIDOR: I'm back, baybee!

AVALON CAVE CEILINGS: Thpth! I almost got to smush SG-Me and the rest!

SGC FLOORS: We trump you all. We get the best view when Camulus and his kilt visits.

KILT FANS: Huh? Oh. Ooooooooooooh.

[LANDRY, DANIEL, VALA, AND MITCHELL COME OUT OF A ROOM AND WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR. DANIEL IS IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO CONVINCE LANDRY THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ANCIENTS WHO DIDN'T ASCEND -- DID THEY GO HOME, OR SOMEWHERE ELSE?]

DANIEL: My point is that we haven't met a single, living Ancient who was willing to share their knowledge freely with us, and there could be an entire advanced civilization of them out there somewhere in another galaxy! I mean, isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't it so we can go out and meet new races? Gather advanced technology? Possibly learn about ourselves in the process?

VALA: Oh, come on. You do it to meet women.

MITCHELL: She has a point, sir.

LANDRY: I've been thinking I need to get out on an off-world mission or two.

MITCHELL: Yeah, just to get the feel for it.

LANDRY: "Always do everything you ask of those you command."

MITCHELL: Patton.

LANDRY: Very good.

MITCHELL: Good movie.

[THEY ENTER AN ELEVATOR.]

DANIEL: (irritated) Laugh if you want to, but I believe finding these Alterans and where they came from should be our top priority from this point forward. They are "the Gate Builders."

LANDRY: Nobody's laughing, Dr. Jackson.

DANIEL FANS: Damn well better not be.

LANDRY: The universe is a big place. Tell me where they are and how to get there, and I'll order you to go.

[ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN, AND LANDRY EXITS, THE OTHERS FOLLOWING BEHIND HIM.]

DANIEL: (taken aback at Landry's response) I'm not saying this is going to be easy. I mean, if they're from a distant galaxy, our network of Stargates might not even connect. And even if it does, we know the massive power requirements necessary to dial Pegasus, and they're relatively close, in intergalactic terms. But on the bright side, according to the text we found in the Glastonbury cavern, the Ancient device we discovered may be capable of intergalactic communication.

[LANDRY STOPS IN FRONT OF THE CLOSED DOOR TO HIS OFFICE.]

LANDRY: Thank you, Doctor Jackson. I'm sure you'll keep me posted. Colonel.

MITCHELL: General.

[LANDRY OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS HIS OFFICE, SHUTTING IT AS DANIEL STEPS FORWARD, ABOUT TO MAKE ANOTHER POINT.]

MITCHELL: He has no idea what you just said.

[THE DOOR REOPENS AND LANDRY STEPS BACK OUT. MITCHELL STANDS AT ATTENTION.]

LANDRY: (referring to Vala) Someone want to tell me why she's still on my base? (to Mitchell) And, uh, yes, I did.

[LANDRY REENTERS HIS OFFICE AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]

AUDIENCE: Ha! Busted!

VALA: Well, I think it's incredible. [chee-zee grin]

INT. HIGH COUNCIL CHAMBERS, DAKARA

[RAK'NOR IS TRYING TO GET TEAL'C UP TO SPEED ON THE POLITICAL SITUATION, WHICH INCLUDES MANY GROUPS STRONGLY SUPPORTING GERAK. TEAL'C SAYS THAT BRA'TAC AND RYA'C ARE NEGOTIATING WITH COALITIONS WHO HAVEN'T DECLARED THEIR ALLEGIANCE.]

RAK'NOR: I did not fight for the freedom of all Jaffa only to have it corrupted by a few power-hungry individuals.

TEAL'C: Nor did I.

RAK'NOR: I just do not understand why you have chosen to spend so much time with the Tau'ri at such a critical stage.

TEAL'C: (becoming angry) My friends from the Tau'ri are largely responsible for the Jaffa being free, and as thanks they have been treated with mistrust and disrespect. Until all Jaffa see that the old ways are not the future, I will do whatever I need to do to enlighten them.

RAK'NOR: And how does chasing ancient history do that?

TEAL'C: Ancient knowledge is what defeated the Goa'uld and the Replicators, and I believe that one day it will unite the Jaffa in a nation of peace. I will prove it.

RAK'NOR: I hope so.

AUDIENCE: We hope there's a plot in here somewhere.

INT. SGC SCIENCE LAB ONE

[THE BLACK DOMED DEVICE IS IN THE LAB, SURROUNDED BY SCIENTIFIC EQUIPMENT. DR. LEE IS BENT OVER THE DEVICE. DANIEL AND VALA ARE ARGUING. MITCHELL TELLS THEM TO FOCUS. LEE TELLS THEM HE THINKS THE DEVICE'S POWER SOURCE HASN'T BEEN DEPLETED, WHILE DANIEL ADDS THAT HE THINKS IT'S A COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE AND POINTS OUT THE RECESSED SHAPES LOOK FAMILIAR AND HOLDS UP A SMALL, BLACK STONE.]

DANIEL: These stones are actually an Ancient form of communication device that links the users psychically, allowing them to see through each other's eyes. It appears that they're actually meant to be used in conjunction with this terminal.

MITCHELL: So what happens when you attach the stones?

DANIEL: We're going to find out.

LEE: These stones were originally set for General O'Neill and one Joe Spencer.

DANIEL: (to Mitchell) Barber from Indiana.

MITCHELL: Yeah, weird guy. I read the file.

LEE: Well, anyway, after a lot of tedious, although, I must say, ultimately very brilliant work if I do say so myself... (Daniel places his hand on Lee's shoulder to stop his tangent)... I was able to reset the stones.

LEE FANS: We totally (heart) you, you big ol' geek.

[MITCHELL ASKS ABOUT THE STONES HAVING TO BE ACTIVATED BY SOMEONE WITH THE ANCIENT GENE, BUT LEE EXPLAINS THAT THEY ONLY NEED TO BE INITIALIZED, AND THESE HAVE BEEN.]

MITCHELL: So any one of us can take the pony ride.

BDSMERS: [perk] Pony ride?

DANIEL: Yeah, and I figured that was going to be me. I mean, I did miss the Daedalus for this, so...

MITCHELL: You're going to dine out on that for a while?

DANIEL: (nodding) Yeah, yeah. Like you wouldn't believe.

DANIEL FANS: Hee!

[MITCHELL AGREES THAT DANIEL SHOULD GO SINCE HE'S THE EXPERT ON THE ANCIENT'S, BUT THERE'S TWO STONES. VALA SAYS THAT ONE'S HERS, BECAUSE SHE AND DANIEL ARE LINKED.]

DANIEL: If I could just point out, for the record, we don't have to be.

VALA: He's only guessing that this device is for communication. What if it's a transporter of some kind, and he gets whisked away and can't get back?

DANIEL: [rolls eyes]

LEE: Actually, we have done a fair bit of research on this device, and I can say with absolute- pauses at the looks everyone gives him) relative... certainty... oh for... Look we have studied devices like this for years, and at some point ultimately you just have to turn it on.

DANIEL: I'm going to give it a try.

VALA: Where he goes, I go.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: Yes! It's canon!

DANIEL: I'm not going anywhere.

VALA: So he thinks.

DANIEL: (gritted teeth) It's a communication device.

LEE: I'm going to watch from the observation room.

LEE FANS: Yes, probably wise to get to a minimum safe distance.

[LEE AND MITCHELL GO INTO THE OBSERVATION ROOM AND WHERE THEY WATCH DANIEL AND VALA PLACE THE STONES IN THE DEVICE. NOTHING HAPPENS AT FIRST, THEN THE BLUE CRYSTAL LIGHTS UP AND THEY BOTH PASS OUT. MITCHELL CALLS FOR A MED TEAM.]

SLASHERS AND TEAM FANS: You so better hope Jack doesn't find out about this.

INT. HOME OF HARRID AND SALLIS, CELESTIS

[DANIEL AND VALA LOOK LIKE THEY'RE VISITING THE LOCAL REN FAIRE.]

DANIEL: (appearing as Harrid) Hello. Please, don't be afraid. My name is Daniel Jackson.

[VALA TURNS TO DANIEL AND SEES HARRID, A LANKY YOUNG MAN. DANIEL SEES VALA AS SALLIS, A BLONDE YOUNG WOMAN.]

VALA: (appearing as Sallis) It's me, Vala.

DANIEL: (appearing as Harrid) Okay. Not a transporter.

[THEY TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THEY ARE. THEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE THE IMAGE OF HARRID AND SALLIS LOOKING BACK AT THEM AND REALIZE THAT THEY'RE IN THEIR BODIES.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[DANIEL AND VALA ARE IN INFIRMARY BEDS, HOOKED UP TO MEDICAL EQUIPMENT. DR. LAM, DR. LEE AND OTHERS ARE IN HAZMAT GEAR, WHILE MITCHELL AND TEAL'C WATCH FROM THE OBSERVATION ROOM. LEE AND LAM DECIDE THAT THERE'S NO CONTAGIONS OR RADIATION, SO THEY DECIDE THEY CAN DO AWAY WITH THE HAZMAT STUFF. DR. LAM SAYS IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE IN A SLEEP STATE.]

MITCHELL: (through microphone) Maybe we should disconnect the stones.

LEE: Uh, for all we know, this could be perfectly normal. I mean this could be the way the device actually works.

LAM: And could you give me some time here before we go messing around with that thing anymore?

LEE: I wouldn't call it "messing around."

LEE FANS: Lee's just pissy because if *Sam* did this, they'd figure out some way she'd be getting a pat on the head and called a National Treasure.

SNIT: Absolutely!

LAM: Look, for all we know, disconnecting the stones could put them in further jeopardy.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY OBSERVATION ROOM

MITCHELL: So, how are things on Dakara?

TEAL'C: About as well as here.

AUDIENCE: *facepalm*

INT. HOME OF HARRID AND SALLIS, CELESTIS

[DANIEL AND VALA ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED, AND LOOKING FOR CLUES ABOUT THE PEOPLE THEY'RE INHABITING.]

VALA: Well, maybe it's just me, but this house... these... clothes. We don't look the way I'd expect the Ancients to look.

DANIEL: No.

ATLANTIS AUDIENCE: Nope, they look like really boring accountants with a permanent stick up the arse look on their faces. Either that or they're sitting around meditating a lot.

VALA: What do you suppose their names are?

DANIEL: Harrid and Sallis.

VALA: How do you know that?

DANIEL: Well because it, um, says so right here. (reading a plaque on the wall) It says: "This is the...(mumbles)...home of Harrid and Sallis Cicera."

VALA: Wait, I missed that. You-you mumbled it.

DANIEL: No, I didn't.

VALA: Well, you said something that I couldn't understand.

DANIEL: Well, I didn't say it because I don't really know what it means. So I don't have to say it out loud in case I... know what it means.

VALA: Well, go on.

DANIEL: Nuptial. It means nuptial.

VALA: As in we're...

DANIEL: Married, yeah. 

VALA: [smirk]

AUDIENCE: Considering they have the same last name, they'd either be married or siblings, right? So it's not exactly hard to figure it out once Daniel said the last name.

DANIEL: Let's go look outside.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: No, no, let's go look in the bedroom and explore this whole "nuptial" thing some more.

EXT. VILLAGE, CELESTIS

[DANIEL AND VALA EXIT THE HOUSE AND FIND THEMSELVES IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PRIMITIVE SOCIETY.]

VALA: Not quite what I imagined when I pictured a civilization of gate builders.

DANIEL: No. Something tells me this is not the same people who built a spaceship capable of traveling across the universe.

ATLANTIS AUDIENCE: No, they look nothing like boring accountants.

[THEY'RE GREETED BY A VILLAGER, AND THEY FAKE A GREETING BACK. DANIEL THINKS THEY'RE SPEAKING ANCIENT AND THAT THE COMMUNICATOR IS TRANSLATING FOR THEM.]

VALA: I couldn't read the sign.

DANIEL: Maybe it only works for spoken language.

AUDIENCE: They're *finally* going to fanwank why an alien race is speaking English, yet the written language is different?

WRITERS: No, we didn't. They're speaking *Ancient*, sillies.

AUDIENCE: *facepalm*

[THE OTHER VILLAGER SAYS HE'LL SEE THEM AT PROSTRATION, AND THE PUZZLED DANIEL AND VALA TRY TO FAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE EXCHANGE UNTIL THE VILLAGER MOVES ON. DANIEL AND VALA DECIDE TO WALK AROUND THE VILLAGE, TO TRY TO APPEAR NORMAL UNTIL THEY CAN FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.]

DANIEL: On the bright side, I think he was looking at me when he said "Harrid."

VALA: Please, he was staring at me the whole time.

INT. LANDRY'S OFFICE

[LAM ARRIVES, UPDATING LANDRY ON DANIEL AND VALA'S CONTINUING SLEEP-LIKE STATE, WHILE LANDRY'S TRYING TO DECIDE WHERE HE WANTS HIS DESK.]

LANDRY: Dr. Jackson believes the device was used for long-range communication. Is it possible that's what they're doing? Talking to someone somewhere... out there?

LAM: I don't know.

AUDIENCE: Get used to saying that.

[LANDRY SAYS HE'S GOING TO THE MESS AND INVITES LAM, BUT SHE DECLINES, WANTING TO GET BACK TO DANIEL AND VALA.]

LANDRY: Carolyn, you seem to be... settling in okay.

LAM: I don't know if I'll ever get used to this place. It's pretty, uh...

LANDRY: Yeah.

LAM: Yeah, and uh, working for you makes this whole thing just that much more bizarre.

LANDRY: You didn't have to take the job, you know.

LAM: Are you kidding, who could refuse it? Besides, at the time, General O'Neill didn't tell me you'd be my boss.

LANDRY: He's funny that way.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Hi-lar-ious.

LAM: (not amused) Mmm. Ha ha. By the way, the desk looks fine the way it is.

LANDRY: Mmm. Really?

LAM: (exiting) You never were happy with anything the way it was.

WRITERS: See? See how we're planting clues?

AUDIENCE: No, we see how you're ladling it on thick that there's some sort of connection between Landry and Lam, showing once again that women can't be independent characters, they've got to have a connection to a man to have a reason to exist.

WRITERS: [fume] Just for that, we're gonna go blow something up.

AUDIENCE: Don't bother on our account!

NOT JONAS FANS: Unless it's the Planet of the Weasels, then go for it.

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE, CELESTIS

[DANIEL AND VALA JOIN WITH THE VILLAGERS FOR MEDITATION ON THE GREAT POWER OF THE ORI. ANOTHER VILLAGER, FANNIS, TELLS DANIEL THEY MUST MEET LATER BY THE PORTICO OF LIGHT AT THE HOUR OF BLY. DANIEL OPENS HIS MOUTH TO ANSWER, BUT FANNIS WARNS HIM NOT TO SPEAK.]

SLASHERS: So Fannis and Harrid share a love that dare not speak its name?

[THE ADMINISTRATOR BEGINS SPEECHIFYING ON THE POWER OF THE ORI, AND THE VILLAGERS REPEAT WHAT HE SAYS. DANIEL NOTICES THAT FANNIS DOESN'T RECITE THE PRAYER, SO HE STOPS SAYING IT, LOOKING PUZZLED.]

INT. HOME OF HARRID AND SALLIS, CELESTIS

[AN EXHAUSTED DANIEL AND VALA ENTER, AFTER ENDURING SIX HOURS OF PROSTRATION. VALA WONDERS WHY THEY HAVEN'T TRIED TO TELL SOMEONE WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT DANIEL SAYS HE DOESN'T THINK THEY'LL UNDERSTAND. THEY TALK ABOUT THE VILLAGER WHO WANTED TO MEET THEM LATER, BUT THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS. DANIEL STARTS SEARCHING THE HOUSE.]

VALA: What are you looking for?

DANIEL: I don't know. Some reason as to why we're in these particular people, these specific bodies. I mean, it can't be totally random.

[THEY ENTER A BEDROOM.]

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: Squee is on stand-by.

VALA: Uh, I have a more pressing question. Do you have any idea how we're supposed to detach from them?

DANIEL: No. And that's another thing that's got me worried. Have you tried?

VALA: (nodding) Hmm. Nothing.

DANIEL: It doesn't seem to be something I can just will to make happen.

[DANIEL KEEPS SEARCHING THROUGH A WARDROBE, WHILE VALA STRETCHES OUT ON THE BED.]

VALA: (sighing) Maybe it's about removing the stones from the device on Earth.

DANIEL: Yeah, unfortunately, we can't tell the people on Earth that we need them to remove them. We'll just have to wait until they figure that out for themselves.

SNIT: Sorry, Daniel, but Super Sam's not there to figure it out based on no clues and lots of technobabble, so you're on your own.

VALA: Maybe they have already, and it had no effect.

DANIEL: (unnerved) I'm just going to rule out that possibility.

VALA: Do you think these people are in our bodies?

DANIEL: I don't know. I mean, this can't be how the technology is supposed to work.

[VALA FEELS SOMETHING UNDER THE BEDCOVERS AND FISHES OUT A BOOK. SHE OPENS IT, THEN SHUTS IT IMMEDIATELY, THEN CALLS FOR DANIEL'S ATTENTION.]

SMUTTERS: Is it the Celestis version of the Kama Sutra?

DANIEL: Yeah, it's the book that some of the villagers were walking around with. It says on the front, um: The Book of Origins. Blessed are the Ori.

VALA: I think you should take a look at it.

SMUTTERS: It *is* the Celestis version of the Kama Sutra!

DANIEL: Oh, I think I've seen enough. I mean, prostration for six hours. "Give us strength." You know, it's all very clear.

VALA: I think you'd find it really interesting.

DANIEL: Yeah? When did you start being able to read Ancient?

VALA: I can't. But this... looked familiar.

[VALA OPENS THE BOOK TO SHOW DANIEL TWO SECTIONS HOLLOWED OUT FROM THE PAGES. IN EACH HOLLOWED SECTION IS AN ANCIENT COMMUNICATION STONE.]

LATER...

[FANNIS COMES BY, WORRIED THAT HARRID DIDN'T MEET WITH HIM.]

SLASHERS: Yep, they're so doing it.

[DANIEL SAYS HE FORGOT, THEN FANNIS ASKS WHY SALLIS IS NOT SHARING LEAVES WITH THE ADMINISTRATOR'S WIFE.]

FANNIS: We are already suspected. We must not alter our behavior.

DANIEL: Suspected of what?

FANNIS: Harrid, what ails you? Did I not know better, I would fear you are trying to entrap me.

[DANIEL DECIDES TO PUT ALL THEIR CARDS ON THE TABLE.]

DANIEL: My name is Daniel Jackson, and I am inside the mind of Harrid. I am able to speak through him by use of a communication technology that we believe was first constructed and used by a race known as the Alterans.

VALA: And I'm Vala... Mal Doran.

DANIEL: How you doing.

DANIEL FANS: *facepalm* Very eloquent.

[FANNIS IS SURPRISED, BUT ACCEPTS THEIR STORY QUICKLY. HE ASKS IF HE COULD SPEAK TO HARRID, BUT DANIEL EXPLAINS IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.]

SLASHERS: He just wants to make sure his real boyfriend is OK.

FANNIS: Harrid always suspected the stones were a means of communication.

DANIEL: You know about the stones?

FANNIS: We are curators, investigators of the past. The stones were discovered some time ago in what we believe are the remains of an ancestral burial ground not far from here.

DANIEL FANS: They're archeologists!

DANIEL: Why are you hiding them?

FANNIS: Such investigation is sacrilege.

DANIEL: You're not allowed to investigate your own history?

DANIEL FANS: Daniel's so very appalled.

FANNIS: If such investigation contradicts The Book of Origin.

DANIEL: You're heretics.

FANNIS: We have uncovered evidence that we believe proves a race of humans predates our supposed creation by the Ori.

[VALA INTERJECTS, ASKING DANIEL IF THE ORI MIGHT BE THE PEOPLE LEFT BEHIND BY THE ALTERANS, AND THEY ASCENDED LIKE THE ANCIENTS DID.]

DANIEL: That would make these people a subsequent evolution of humans, which is apparently what happened in our galaxy after the Ancients we know ascended.

SCIENTISTS IN THE AUDIENCE: Not the whole "second evolution of the same form" crap again! It burns, it burns!

[DANIEL SAYS THE ASCENDED BEINGS HE KNOWS DON'T POSE AS GODS, IT'S ONE EXPLICIT RULE THAT THEY DO FOLLOW.]

FANNIS: The Ori are not posing. We do not doubt their power, just their word and intention. Their power is as real as the strength of belief in all followers. You were late for leaves with the Administrator's wife. Sallis and she are acquaintances.

VALA: So what should I do?

FANNIS: Can you not disconnect and allow Sallis to return?

DANIEL: No, apparently we can't do that.

FANNIS: Then you must pose as Sallis, or we will be discovered.

VALA: I can do that.

DANIEL: [skeptical]

VALA FANS: *Facepalm* on standby. So's a snerk. Or three.

INT. HIGH COUNCIL CHAMBERS, DAKARA

[RAK'NOR REPORTS TO TEAL'C THAT THE COUNCIL HAS VOTED, AND HE DELIVERED TEAL'C'S VOTE BY PROXY. GERAK'S MOTION BARELY PASSED, BUT IT MEANS THE JAFFA WILL BE RULED BY A HIGH COUNCIL AND REPRESENTATION WILL BE BASED ON MILITARY ASSETS, WHICH MEANS GERAK IS THE NEW LEADER OF THE JAFFA NATION.]

INT. HOME OF HARRID AND SALLIS, CELESTIS

[DANIEL AND FANNIS SHARE DRINKS.]

SLASHERS: OK, so who's trying to get whom drunk here?

FANNIS: You said the Ori may have ascended. What does that mean?

DANIEL: [prepares to tell the long version of the story]

AUDIENCE: Short version -- they're glowy squid things from a higher plane.

FANNIS: And those "ascended beings," as you call them, do not guide you and ask that you worship them?

DANIEL: No, in fact they believe so strongly in free will that they would not intervene and use their knowledge even if it meant the destruction of an entire galaxy full of us regular old humans.

[FANNIS SAYS HE'S PART OF A GROUP COLLECTING AND HIDING ARTIFACTS WHICH PROVE THEIR CLAIMS AGAINST THE ORI. SOME BELIEVE THAT THE FACT THEY HAVEN'T BEEN FOUND IS FURTHER PROOF THAT THE ORI ARE NOT ALL-POWERFUL AND ALL-KNOWING. THEY HEAR NOISES OUTSIDE. FANNIS LOOKS OUTSIDE AND SAYS PEOPLE ARE GATHERING AT THE ALTAR. HE SAYS HE CANNOT BE SEEN WITH DANIEL-HARRID.]

SLASHERS: Does "don't ask, don't tell" apply on Celestis?

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE, CELESTIS

[DANIEL GOES OUTSIDE TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING. THE ADMINISTRATOR IS PREACHIFYING ABOUT THE ORI AS VALA IS DRAGGED TOWARDS THE ALTAR BY VILLAGERS WHO FORCE HER TO HER KNEES AND SHACKLE HER WRISTS TO A BENCH ON THE ALTAR.]

BDSMERS: Kinky public sex?! Our letters *did* make it to Bridge Studios!

VALA: Daniel!

DANIEL: What happened?

VALA: It didn't go so well.

DANIEL: Yeah, I can see that.

[DANIEL MOVES TO HELP HER, BUT IS RESTRAINED BY VILLAGERS AS THE ADMINISTRATOR TELLS HIM TO STAND BACK, THAT SALLIS HAS BEEN OVERCOME. DANIEL TRIES TO EXPLAIN, BUT THE VILLAGERS HOLDING HIM PULL HIM FURTHER AWAY. WITH ALL THE ATTENTION ON THE SPECTACLE, THE VILLAGERS DON'T NOTICE FANNIS LEAVING THE VILLAGE.]

ADMINISTRATOR: Fear not, for the Ori see all, outside and within. If your heart is pure and your devotion unwavering, they will protect you. They will cleanse your being, and you'll be taken to be with them forever...

VALA: [rolls eyes]

ADMINISTRATOR: If not, may the fire burn you down to the ground and lay you in the dust.

VALA: Fire?

VALA FANS: Um, fire?

MONTY PYTHON FANS: Can't you just weigh her against a duck?

[AT A SIGNAL FROM THE ADMINISTRATOR, A VILLAGER USES A TORCH TO LIGHT THE LIQUID IN A BUCKET, THEN IT'S POURED INTO A STONE CHANNEL WHICH THEN FLOWS AROUND VALA IN A MAZE-LIKE PATTERN.]

BUFFY FANS: Fire bad, tree pretty.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[LAM IS MONITORING DANIEL AND VALA'S STILL UNCONSCIOUS BODIES, AS THEIR BLOOD PRESSURE AND HEART RATE GO THROUGH THE ROOF.]

MITCHELL: Pull the stones.

[LEE MOVES TO THE DEVICE AND TRIES TO PRY THE STONES OUT BY HAND.]

LEE: I can't.

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE, CELESTIS

[THE VILLAGERS STAND AND WATCH AS THE FIRE LIQUID MAKES ITS WAY ALONG THE MAZE-LINK CHANNEL TOWARD VALA. DANIEL TRIES UNSUCCESSFULLY TO BREAK FREE OF THE MEN RESTRAINING HIM.]

AUDIENCE: What's up with the whole ring of fire thing? Can't they just have a stake and some firewood like you see in your classic witch burnings? What's the deal? Are the Ori environmentalists and don't want to cut down trees, or are they just big fans of Johnny Cash?

ATLANTIS FANS: Nah, that's Sheppard.

DANIEL: (to Vala) What the hell did you say?

VALA: I think at first it's what I didn't say. You see, apparently there's a blessing you're supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it's what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his (nodding towards the Administrator) wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation... with herself.

DANIEL: Oh! Oh! (to Administrator) Listen! Please! Listen to me! You have to believe me! This is not what it looks like. Sallis is not possessed, okay? Now this going to sound crazy... (makes cuckoo motion with his restrained hand) Whoo-hoo. But we're from another galaxy. That's right we're using a communication technology that allows us to take over a body from very far away... and-and-and make us talk to you. We just want to talk to you!

DANIEL FANS: Um, Daniel, sweetie, darling, that sounds like possession to us. Sorry.

[THE VILLAGERS BECOME NERVOUS AT DANIEL'S BLASPHEMY. THE ADMINISTRATOR MERELY STARES AT DANIEL FOR A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE RETURNING HIS ATTENTION TO VALA. DANIEL APPEARS COMPLETELY DESPERATE.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[LEE ATTEMPTS TO PRY THE STONES OUT WITH A CROWBAR, BUT FAILS. LAM ADMINISTERS A SEDATIVE, HOPING IT WILL CALM THINGS DOWN.]

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE, CELESTIS

[DANIEL CONTINUES TRYING TO GET THE VILLAGERS TO LISTEN TO HIM, AS THE FIRE GETS CLOSE ENOUGH TO CATCH VALA'S SKIRT ON FIRE. VALA SCREAMS AS THE FIRE CONSUMES HER, AND DANIEL TURNS AWAY FROM THE SIGHT.]

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVEN'T READ SPOILERS: OMGWTFBBQ?!?! And we mean that literally.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Literally. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[VALA'S HEART MONITOR FLATLINES, AND LAM TRIES TO RESTART HER HEART. MITCHELL AIMS A WEAPON AT THE DEVICE, BUT LEE STOPS HIM, SAYING IT MIGHT CAUSE A SURGE OR DETONATE THE POWER SOURCE, WHICH COULD KILL THEM BOTH. LEE COVERS THE DEVICE WITH HIS BODY.]

LEE FANS: It's love, isn't it?

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE, CELESTIS

[A WIND BLOWS, EXTINGUISHING THE FLAMES, REVEALING VALA'S CHARRED BODY. A PRIOR, IN A WHITE HOODED ROBE AND CARRYING A STAFF WITH TOPPED WITH A BLUE ORB, ENTERS THE VILLAGE.]

LORD OF THE RINGS FANS: It's Gandalf!

PERVY ELF FANCIERS: Any chance of Legolas?

ATLANTIS FANS: Sorry, the closest we get to an elf is Sheppard's ears.

[THE VILLAGERS DROP TO THEIR KNEES, INCLUDING THE ONES HOLDING DANIEL BACK. HE APPROACHES VALA'S CORPSE. HE CRADLES HER BODY AND THE SHACKLES ON HER WRISTS OPEN. HE LOOKS BACK AT THE PRIOR.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[LAM CONTINUES WORKING ON VALA, BUT FINALLY MAKES THE CALL THAT SHE'S DEAD.]

VALA FANS: No. Frelling. Way. We want a recount.

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE, CELESTIS

[THE PRIOR WALKS CLOSER TO DANIEL AND VALA, TILTING HIS STAFF TOWARDS HER. THE ORB GLOWS AND VALA IS RESTORED, FROM HER HAIR TO HER SKIN TO HER CLOTHES.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY ISOLATION ROOM

[LAM IS NOW CHECKING ON DANIEL, AND HIS VITALS HAVE STABILIZED. MITCHELL AND LEE CONTINUE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO UNPLUG THE DEVICE. LAM SAYS THEY NEED TO AT LEAST FIGURE OUT HOW TO REMOVE THE BRACELET, SINCE DANIEL IS STILL LINKED TO VALA AND HER DEATH MIGHT MEAN HIS. VALA'S HEART MONITOR BEEPS, AND LAM IS SHOCKED TO SEE THAT SHE'S GOT A HEARTBEAT.]

EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE, CELESTIS

[THE LAST OF VALA'S BURNS DISAPPEARS AND SHE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS.]

VALA: Daniel?

DANIEL: (gently, placing his hand under her chin) You okay?

[VALA NODS, TEARS OVERFLOWING HER EYES. SHE EMBRACES DANIEL.]

VALA: (crying) I've got tingles all over. And don't flatter yourself, I'm pretty sure it's not you.

DANIEL/VALA SHIPPERS: We're pretty sure it is.

[DANIEL THANKS THE PRIOR, BUT HE SAYS TO THANK THE ORI. HE TELLS THEM THEY WILL COME WITH HIM, AND TURNS TO LEAVE.]

DANIEL: I think he wants us to follow him. Can you walk?

VALA: If it means getting away from here.

PRIOR: Hallowed are the children of the Ori.

VILLAGERS: (still prostrating themselves) Hallowed are we. Hallowed are the Ori.

AUDIENCE: If the Ori are so all-knowing and all-seeing, then shouldn't they arrived *before* the villages had a Vala Barbeque?

WRITERS: Oh, the Ori *aren't* gods, so they wouldn't necessarily know in time.

AUDIENCE: But wouldn't the *villagers* question why the Ori let it happen, if they're supposedly gods.

WRITERS: Um, um...

TO BE CONTINUED...

WRITERS: Whew. See you next week! Hopefully you'll forget any plot holes by then.

AUDIENCE: We're pretty sure we'll find new ones to discuss.

WRITERS: Curse you.

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, ORIGIN, IN WHICH WE LEARN OF THE ORI, AND START TO FEEL LIKE WE'RE STUCK IN A REALLY BAD VERSION OF SUNDAY SCHOOL. THE KIND YOU GET IN A CHURCH WITHOUT CUSHIONS ON THE PEWS.

AUDIENCE: Hey, wait. The Noromos didn't make a peep this week. What gives?

SLASHERS: We heard they're on vacation. 

SHIPPERS: Mai tais were mentioned. Often. 

SLASHERS: We think cabana boys may be involved.

WRITERS: Think they'll send us a postcard?

AUDIENCE: We doubt what they would send would make it through Customs.


End file.
